the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
