grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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