Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
