i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
