I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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