i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
you made out with another girl for some wings
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
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