ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
