I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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