tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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