Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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