Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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