I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Randomize
