Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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