Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
