Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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