I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
