I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
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By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
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For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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