this kid just came up to me and asked me if i wanted to play truth or aids with him and his friends. i'm in
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
