I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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