At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
