i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
