if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
