I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
