I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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