im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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