They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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