Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
