I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Drunk is a universal language darling
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
