i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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