so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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