i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
