ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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