I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
