Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
