I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
