If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Don't tell me you're on acid again
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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