I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
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Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
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me + whiskey = a bad person
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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