Please, let me fuck your mom
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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