that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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