Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
