I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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