Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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