I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
