girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
