Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
