I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
