hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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