I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
