last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Drunk is not a location!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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