either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
