So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
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Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
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The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
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