I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
