is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
