So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize