They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
