i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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