i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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